If You Could, What Would You Tell Your Younger Self?
For as long as I can remember, journaling has been my favourite way to unwind. It helps me organise my thoughts and also put together a plan for what I need. I started journalling when I was eleven because that was when we first learned about Anne Frank. She called her diary 'Kitty' because she wanted her diary to be her friend. I called mine Harry because I wanted Harry Potter to be my friend. You would think that as I grew older, I would have stopped naming my journals but that is not true. The diary in use right now is called Sherlock. The one before that was called Victoria. They are not random names. They are based on the cover and my brain makes associations in very obvious ways.
That is not the point of this post and I have digressed quite a bit. Everybody does a clean-up once in a while and I undertook a digital clean-up. I was looking through my Google Drive and I happened upon photos and videos from ten years ago. When life was all about pre-drinking and uni essays. Well, essays were a large part of my life. I can't speak for my peers.
The photos and videos and journal entries literally blew me away. Amandeep from ten years ago was a completely different person and it astounded me how different she was, and yet in some ways, how consistent with who I am now.
Young Amandeep, let's call her Amandeep-20, was OBSESSED with boys. I understand why. They were everywhere. And Amandeep-20 looked good, so she got a lot of attention and she gave a lot of attention too, so I can see why the obsession existed and where it came from.
Amandeep-20 was also SKINNY. I cannot imagine ever being that skinny again. I would love to, of course, but my goodness. She was skinny and had curves in all the right places. I used to wonder why she got so much male attention- the photos proved why. She was so dedicated to a healthy lifestyle too (aside from the drinking- she drank like the English do- as if "she doesn't want to live" (Trenneman, 2008)). She would go to the gym 6 days a week, eat a healthy combination of protein and veg, and when she got a craving for something sweet, she would treat herself to a moderate portion of Sainsbury's Belgian Chocolate Cookies- and they were marvelous. Along with this, she was so dedicated to her course work as well. She had pages and pages in her journals, detailing her thoughts on the Gold Standard and the Bretton Woods conference.
Of course, not everything was right with her. Amandeep-20 did not know how to wear make-up. At all. She had dry skin and instead of prepping, she thought applying foundation and blending it with her hands would be the way to go. She also trusted pressed powder way more than it deserves to be trusted. She cut her own fringe one time. Not because something went terribly wrong in her life and she wanted a bit of control over something, but because she thought it looked genuinely gorgeous. I have wavy hair- a fringe is a terrible idea at all times. Even in my worst state of being since then I have never done anything as stupid as getting a fringe. I did get an asymmetrical bob, though. I suppose the level of idiocy is consistent then. We did what our budgets could afford.
Amandeep-20 also thought that wearing eyeliner underneath her eyes made her look oriental. She had a tattoo in the shape of a diamond in her right hand. It was temporary and served no purpose because I have never had any attachment to diamonds despite them being forever. Although, again, my first tattoo did end up in the exact same spot on my left hand, so consistency is very much a recurring theme.
Overall, Amandeep-20 was clearly someone who wanted to do her best at everything (except her love life- consistency! I'm telling you, it's amazing).
Here are some things I would tell her should time travel reach a state of perfection.
Stop trying to lose more weight. There are pictures of you where there is no stomach. Do you know what I would do now to get to your physique? Well, go to the gym and eat right, but embrace how beautiful you looked!
Don't ever think about cutting your own fringe. It was an embarrassment.
I would like to apologise to you for what I am about to do to your love life in the future. I know the kind of guys you were into back then and should you find out about the kind of guys you do end up going out with in the future, you will be angry. So, soz, boo.
Appreciate the strength of your body, not just the beauty. At age 20 you still haven't had a headache as part of your hangover and I feel like you didn't quite enjoy it as much as you should have. Ten years hence, three glasses of wine on a Tuesday will disrupt your entire week.
You often said that you were a flirt and that you need to stop because it makes you seem like a slut. That's a problematic word and a problematic thought process. Men flirt all the time and think nothing of it. You can flirt too. Harmless flirting is not a big deal. People flirt to close sales in the corporate world. Flirting in the queue at the Co-op is nothing.
You are understandably obsessed with finding a grad scheme placement because that's what everyone is doing. But spending hours on these applications is not going to help for two reasons- a) You won't be any good at a job in an Investment Bank or Wealth Management or anything else that your notoriously capitalistic uni is known for, and b) You won't enjoy it. Spend some time to find what you really want to do.
Don't forget your passions. Everybody has passions. You forgot yours. You used to love writing and then you stopped because you were busy doing 6.
Bring more empathy into your life. See, I say that, but I've just stopped myself from sending an email to someone going 'are you an actual fucking idiot?' so you can do whatever you like with this piece of advice.
Sainsbury's cookies were beautiful. It's okay if you have more than one. Just don't splurge though, because look at what I become size-wise, ten years hence.
Step out of your comfort zone. You were madly in love with Zone 1 London. Specifically Charing Cross and surrounding areas. Do something more with it. Explore. There's a world out there, outside of Zone 1.